Updated Bonus: Amir, the Secret Arab Queer [below]
1. Gold Chain George
This person is most likely to be Mr. Macho on steroids; hairy as hell and sweet as Georgia tea. He works out a lot, but never does cardio; the beer belly is a trademark, but the upper body strength enables unlimited shisha-hogging. He does own his own place, but it is only three blocks from his parents’. He does have few female friends, but a lot more male friends and dudes who like to play tarneeb or poker with while sipping the latest energy drink fad.
George does not know what he really wants in a woman and thus he will never be at peace with himself or whoever he dates. Most likely, he will end up getting married to a girl from his village whose mom met him at the local Arabic church at an event where mensef, lamb and rice, was served. There are pluses, George knows a lot more about Baseball and Football than he knows about political parties in Lebanon. Occasionally he shoots hoops with his buddies when they realize that they no longer can use his place since his mom is doing his laundry there. He is not to be confused with Detroit Sam since George owns a sporty car and enjoys lesser education. Trademark phrase: begins every sentence with “my cousin…”. His dream job: is to buy another gas station.
Demo
2. Broblem (sic) Hassan
Broblem Hassan is a nice guy. He cannot speak English well enough, and your parents will definitely not help themselves but poke fun of how he pronounces words. You met him at college in one of your GE classes where he helped tutor you. It takes a holy war to make sense of what he is trying to communicate.
As a FOB/Boater, he is all eager to experience new things and point out the difference between how things are at home and how American does things. Hassan does not fully understand American taboos such as speaking ill of the Jewish people, blacks and Asians.
Hassan comes from a large family where he learned hard work and good values, such as getting married ASAP. He will marry you in a heartbeat — especially if you are blonde. Once he gets his papers in order he will invite his family to stay with you. He will never leave you, like walk out on you, but he is needy and constantly complains that he does not have many friends, plus he acts funny when he sees black GM cars with tinted windows. You will always find him at the Western Union where he is sending money to someone at home. Trademark phrase: begins every sentence with “Back home…”. His dream job: engineer.
This brings us to Hassan’s cousin, Ahmad; an older man who has passed his mid thirties and has been married at least twice and divorced just as many. Now that he is in America he remembers as a kid someone told him that all women in America are whores, he still cannot get that out of his mind. Thus he acts like the trash he is.
Demo
3. Ali the Activist Dynamo
Ali is my Sahibi. Ali the activist can hail from any part of the world. Ali is a kinder spirit, nice and a good hearted, but not if you disagree with him. Ali will be a different person if he was speaking to a Neo-Con, who will he will frequently call “man”. Ali can be found in any public demonstration speaking to the crowd like Abdel Nasser Jr.
The anti-war rallies call on him, the labor unions have him on speed dial, the greens are on first name basis with him, and the vegetarians like his Hummus (not a code word, I promise). Usually scruffy, eloquent and leadership oriented, taking charge wherever he goes and has a wonderful assortment of slogan T-shirts.
The problem with Ali is that he knows too many people including girls, so it’s hard to keep up with the female encounters he had. Some accuse him of being a “Macktivist,” but he can’t help it if he is there to please the Arab activist fetish. Another downside to this guy is he might actually not want to live in the United States, but would rather live somewhere in the Middle East or Cuba. He eventually cleans up his act and goes to law school because obviously business school is his great Satan. He acts as if he is the spokesperson of more than a billion people who would really resent his ideas and the way he parties.
Demo
4. Wael the Saint
Wael the saint comes from a good family where his siblings adore him; he can be of any religion, but one thing for sure, he is a believer. He does not miss church on Sunday or a Mosque on Friday. He may not live with his parents, but he does keep in touch with them on daily basis. His priest/imam likes him because he is always volunteering at the events and helping with young men.
He will probably meet his wife at church or the local mosque function. Career of choice either accounting or engineering, both are solid careers in terms of a stable income. Sounds good so far? Odds if you like Wael, you will have to convert your religion to his. Sure he is a nice and a health person who can provide, but do you really want to toss everything you believed out of the window?
Are you up to being denied your fair share from your parents’ will? Also are you ready to deal with a pissed off mother-in-law who thinks you are stealing her son? Also Wael might be unable to deal with those who challenge him whether on his faith or his views. He’s had a crazy temper for a while. Another possible challenge is his lack of creativity in the bedroom where he prefers to skip the foreplay, just like they do in the porn he is addicted to.
Wael is not much of a cocktail person, but he would rather spend his time at the local Chucky Cheese—it’s this one or another church event.
Demo
5. Detroit Sam: Man of Steel
Otherwise known as the Wallah Bro, a first generation Arab American usually hails from Dearborn, Chicago, Patterson, or Tampa. He is American in terms of the large girth, love of hoops (hell he even might have played high school football) and mistrust of other minorities.
If he goes to school then he is definitely best suited for pharmacy school or business. He probably at some point of his life owned a Subway franchise or a Dunkin Donuts—gas station business. He dates a lot of girls and he dates everybody equally and simultaneously.
He had an Asian and a black girlfriend and probably an illegal immigrant friend — who’s not his cousin, because that is who he will marry. But in his mom’s book he is as virgin as that olive oil she likes. Wearing shorts is one of his trademarks, and acting like a boy trapped in man body is another one. He spend days discussing pot, hoodies, and television shows from the 80s.
Sex would be satisfying since his parents have a don’t ask don’t tell policy, even though the uncles his age know what’s up. He has an affinity for rap music, fast cars, bling, and his mama’s cooking and cleaning in their lush suburban houses. This group take pride in the most obscure items, such as “did you know that Arabs invented tea, coffee and beer?” The person listening is as interested as they would be if they were Mormon. Trademark phrases (in ebonics), “Don’t cheat me, bro.” Dream job: NFL Wide Receiver.
Demo
6. Tony the Doc
I love doctors; I work with them all the time and enjoy it. Caring, comforting and assured are the trademarks of Tony the Doc. His community loves him, especially at fundraisers and weddings. By the time a doctor is ready to get married he is probably passed his 30s and is now balding. Sure he makes good money, and has a good lifestyle, but happiness is meant to be shared and this guy is a guaranteed stiff.
That’s hard to do that when you have a pager on you 24/7. Also it depends what kind of medicine that he is into, because it affects the kind of germs and infections he can bring home with—a plastic surgeon will bring home a pair of large boobs.
Also do you have what kind of crazy people walk into his clinic exposing themselves to him in private and pouring the most intimate of details about themselves…that does not bother you? Sure that nice car and summer home are wonderful. Tony will end up with a not beautiful, a not cute, but rather “hot” wife who secretly hates him but can’t afford to say it. Her reason for the resentment is the tone doctors get when they act as the authority on every single issue. Trademark phrase: “I’m a doctor.” Dream job: their’s.
Demo
7. Saleh the Gulf Pride
Other than the occasional sexist remarks and bizarre awkward comments, the guy will never marry you. If you believe for one second that he will marry you then you are too stupid to marry. Saleh will ask you to move in with him. He will never tell his family of course, which means at some random point he will ask you to move out—he will book you a hotel because his dad is dropping by to check on his son in America. You probably met Saleh at a university in Arizona, Texas or even George Washington.
He will ask to take the same classes you are taking so that he does not have to worry about doing his homework after all the fine food is not going to eat itself. His denial of your existence will eventually irritates you and the first time he asks to try new sex tricks with you, you will be asking for calling a cab riding it home alone. A few months later, you might be broke, exhausted, surprised by your sudden misery; he offers to hook it up again.
To his credit, the guy is the most sexually adventurous type, he is so good that he does not need the help of liquor to do the trick. Trademark phrase: “izzzz on me.” Dream job: “Gulf prince” (already has it).
Demo
8. Mazin, Smokey the Palestinian
This guy will seduce you with his dramatic stories and the tough times he had to live with back in the old country or whatever refugee camp he came from. He is a hard working man, he had to work during college to pay for his books and rent, and support his family back home.
You probably met him outside a bar or a lounge where he was smoking a cigarette and offered you one. But you might have also initiated talking to him by asking him if spoke Arabic since you are in Arabic 101. Usually with the exception of sleazy older Palestinian men, this guy rarely pursues you. But rather keeps running into you, he is the slickest among those categories: never too eager to be with you. His mystery is his allure, and he offers white chicks the chance of Arab romance and slumming in one.
Plus he charms your cornbread parents at Thanksgiving dinner. They even listen to his diatribe against Zionism! Unlike Saleh, Mazin would not deny your existence but he would not marry your white ass either unless he really really needs the papers, which he usually does. Without much to offer and shady legal status, you offer to marry him.
And since you like to reform troubled men, this is a beneficiary arrangement. You’ll have fun, but as soon as you get your PhD, it is a different game and you have a job offer from Berkeley. Mazin is not going to carry your bag when you browse stores at the mall, but he will gladly accompany you to Victoria Secret. He is always reading the news on the net and watching CNN to see what the hell is going on back home. Trademark phrase: “the Zionist entity.” Dream job: “George Habash.”
Demo
9. Flamboyant Mustafa
This is one good looking Arab kid who grew up in a house with plenty of females and no brothers. He dresses nice and can be identified by wearing tight clothes that fit properly. You may run into him at the local Express store or the Banana Republic. He is hairy, but plucks his eyebrows as often as Brittney Spears opens her mouth and say something stupid.
His drink of choice is Cosmopolitan and he enjoys Sex and the City parties. He is metrosexual. Mustafa is handsome, but does not have what most men have the desire to be competitive and assertive. He likes girls, but you would have to see it to believe it. He is usually more into himself.
All other guys hate him because he gets a lot of lady attention but his lack of action may anger some bros, who always tell him, “man, if I looked like you…” Flamboyant Mustafa does not like to help other guys get in with his girlfriends, but he would help his girlfriends get in with other guys. Stay away from this guy, you may want someone who cares about how he looks, but not more than he cares about you. You want a guy who would fight to get what he wants, not just a guy who would write a poem or listen to the latest Kazim Al Sahir song.
You do not want a guy to like the stuff you like to do with your girlfriends that make them uncomfortable, you just want him to go away sometimes—maybe to the Home Depot to pick up a new door knob. Trademark phrase: “do you have this shirt in extra small?”. Dream job: “male model.”
Demo
10. Unibrow Rami
The Unibrower is Darwin’s best friend, living proof that men descend from hairy apes. Rami thinks his looks are fine, and his brow is hot, but then he complains that no one wants to talk to him. I wonder why? Did he ever hear of tweezers? Wax? Unibrow Rami is stubborn as hell and unwilling to call a brow a brow. If unibrow Rami has the revelation and gets the middle patch waxed, he often transforms into a flamboyant Mustafa. Trademark phrase: “look into my eyes.” dream job: “Terrorist #6 in Hollywood movie.”
Demo 1 Demo 2
11. The Self Hating Arab
Arabs come in all sizes and shapes, but this guy is definetly a big dick. Members of this group have an existential dilemma: they hate Arabs but love themselves. The war on terror was both scary for them and very profitable. It pays to sell out as some will tell you, and being an anti-Arab Arab is as good as dough. If you want to date this person remember one thing, if this individual has nothing good to say about his people, why would have nice things to say about you if a conflict arises?
The self-hating Arab is despised by his community and embraced by the same groups that want his extinction. They can be identified by how badly they anglicize their born name: Kamal becomes Kevin, for example. Also, they will claim to be ex-terrorists just to get speaking gigs. Remember quitters do not make it far in life, and this guy quit once before… he may just do it again.
Usually, he is a heavy drinker and sees the amount of alcohol consumed is proportional to his “critical assessment” of Islam and Arabs. The Self Hate Arabs is a likable personality for non Arabs because he makes them comfortable despite their bullshit politics. Women may be allured by his willingness to bend on every issue, but he’s a constant oppprtunist looking for the next big payoff. Trademark phrase, “I’m an Arab, not one of those Ay-rabs (he usually says about Detroit Sam).” Dream job: “Fox News analyst”.
Demo
12. The God Damn America Kid
This person is a FOB or an American-born Arab who seems like one. He saw the worst of America in the destruction of his native country, which usually means the Arab nation. So he has not been touched by American imperialism, but he is mad as hell and spares no chance in dumping on the U.S of A. Never mind that he came to America on a scholarship, never mind that he has a well-paying job as a campus advisor for international students.
He neglects that the officer who issued him his visa did so hoping that this person won’t do harm. Off course this kid won’t be doing any harm to America other than damaging your ears with weird theories and annoying guilt trips every now and then. He would not trade his life in America with anything of value he owns, and guess what was his first purchase? It was a powerful American engine car, which he drives to school listening to AC/DC and sipping on a large latte while talking on his blackberry to tell his mom how he is doing well. Really? Is that what you want to have to live with the rest of your life? Someone who cannot be grateful for a wonderful life, something who cannot see the big hypocrite he is? But thanks for the US. Constitution! Trademark phrase: “America is bullshit my friend”. Dream job: “Arab League Ambassador”
Demo
13. The Broke-Ass Arab
If your life goal is to avoid paying taxes, this guy is a keeper. He probably won a lawsuit against his rich neighbor, whose dog bit him in the baydot. Still, he blew it all on a bad business deal with his Detroit Sam cousin. He does not have a job, other than watching Aljazeera all day. He tells people he’s into import/export, meaning he sends American junk to his cousin to sell in Eastern Europe. He’s so broke, his family from back home sends him money. He sort of has an open house where his other loser friends drop by to waste their time talking about random things and eat sunflower seeds and pistachios. He always volunteer at various community events where he is convincing himself that he is working the field. He just runs from one dead-end money-making scheme to the next. His last job was doing insurance fraud scams in Florida. Though the risks ofebing with this guys is obvious, he’s the most loyal and will always find a way to provide. Trademark phrase: “You interested in any dvds, I got the latest movie.” Dream job: “convenience store owner.”
Demo
Bonus: Amir, the Secret Arab Queer
The Arab world is a conflicted place, full of all kinds of characters, including men who love to dress nicely, and take good care of their clothes by placing them in a nice closet. Incidentally, the closet is spacious, which makes it the perfect place to meet other gay Arab men.
Amir is as straight as the streets in Gaza after the Israeli attacks—or before, because frankly there is not much difference. Amir is not necessary good looking, but sure is well dressed. And his mom considers him her best friend—he was her lab rat when it came to makeup as a young boy. We can spend days talking about how Amir ended up gay, here are a few homophobic attempts (the author is a Wael the Saint).
He grew up in the Gulf and as a kid was molested by the Iranian bike shop owner. He might come from Egypt where the doorman on a lonely night put his hand on the wrong place. He could come from Lebanon where too many beautiful women made him want to become just like them. He could have grown in Palestine, where he used to watch Israeli Porn on Channel 69 along with his male friends and one thing led to another. Or simply he was born to be a flat-out gay man and we love him the way he is. He dates women though but they’re just a charade
Amir is the guy you want at your dance parties, his moves puts Beyoncé to shame. But he makes for a creepy hookah companion. As far as dating this guy, if you are a woman be advised it is not such a smart idea because you will never get him. What man who can hold a conversation actually be straight? Amir is Arabic for Prince, princess was his Halloween custom–the one day in the year he can be himself. Trademark phrase: “Haifa is such a sharmouta.” Dream job: “personal trainer for the stars.”
Demo
[Tarboush Tip: May, Will, Lyndsay, Iba, Don]
Also read Arab Girls Not to Date
1 comments:
hahahahah bonusul e tareeeee
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