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13 Arab Girls Not to Date

By Hanitizer

I wrote this post because it sounded like a good idea at the time. God bless Arab girls! I love them, I’m attracted to them, I’ve never been attracted to anyone other than them (the Croatian babe in my Book of Mormon class doesn’t count) and there are plenty of smart, accomplished and purpose-driven Arab females who rock. This list is not about them.

Also, I do not mean to demean all women with such a list, just as my post on the 13 Arab Men to never date was not a attack against men. Even I know that the two highest IQ’s ever recorded (on a standard test) both belong to women.

Here, I’m talking about the minority, the Arab women that you need to avoid like street food in Cairo.

Here is my list:

1. Not Without My Cross Maria
Maria is a sweet person with a great sense of fashion and some see that as her best attribute. Like most girls, she likes makeup and nice clothes, but she LOVES sporting a Cross necklace so prominent, it can be seen from a hovering helicopter. But the Cross is deceiving, since Maria rarely goes to Church and serves as the only item she wears of which her parents actually approve of.

The Cross also serves other needs, such as telling the flirty young Muslim guys to knock it off; in other words “She is out of your league, do not think about getting fresh with Maria!” But what distinguishes Maria from other females on this list is her unprecedented love for fragrance. Maria has a wonderful collection of rosey and expensive fragrances (most likely from Omanistan) that are worthy of envy from some of the most popular celebrities with fragrance lines of their own, among which we find Britney Spears and her curios line of perfumes.

I get along well with Maria and I enjoy pairing off with her on the dance floor of her cousins wedding. Maria can be seen at pretty much all Arab-American functions in your community; her favorite volunteer spot is to be in charge of the seating chart where she can mingle with attractive young bachelors including t
he average looking banker she ends up dating once she realizes that the pretty boys are nothing but trouble. Maria can be found in Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, Newark, San Francisco, and Cleveland.

Dream Job: Immigration attorney where she can stop the deportation of Muslim men
Buzz Words: “Congregation,” “Father,” “Haqqan Qaam” and “Rights”
Favorite Movie: “Chronicles of Narnia”

2. Wafa, The Bint Arab Queen

The tale of Arab girl that grew up in America, usually a first generation where her family pride themselves on hard work, pursuit of Happiness, large families, and respectable daughters. Thus, you know there is the family pressure is entirely on the female, while the boys of the family are released into the wilderness. She is attractive, natural conservative and sometimes occasionally politically liberal. She likes to always remind you that she was raised on the same values her cousins in the old country are raised with.

She likes to say “From the way we raised, you think we were living in Amman” She might wear the Hijab, but not always. She rolls her eyes when she sees what she calls a slutty Arab chick and loves to rant about it afterward. Also by saying “Ana Bint Arab” she kind of tell you to come to her home and talk to the “boss”, if you are interested. Dating is not permitted–at least officially, she is a virgin, a real one. She is attractive and she is authority on the stuff she is interested in. But on most subjects she goes along to get along.

Dream Job: University professor teaching Arabic
Buzz Words: “Moral,” “Gift,” “Chastity” and “Traditional”
Favorite Movie: Not “American Beauty”, “The Virgin Suicide”

3. Rand: Daddy’s Little Girl
Our gal here is very well-educated because she kept going to school and more school. No one pursues her because she has too much going for her. In that way she’s like the Great State of Ohio—you never go there, you only drive through. One of those things is her dad’s last name ending in M.D. or FCCP and in order to be with Rand, daddy has to approve of you—a simple credit check just won’t do anymore.

Since is too good for any guy and no guy is good enough for her because she wants Daddy 2. She is like most women looking for a smart, funny, and attractive guy just like her father. She’s genetically out of your league. She had a credit card in kindergarten, and you didn’t even know your name. She had a cell phone the size of a brick (back when no one had even heard of cell phones), and you dropped bricks in your pants on the regular. She had it all despite the fact that her dad came to this country with only a pair of shoes and a sock over his balls.

No car was ever good enough, no house was ever large enough and by the same measure no man will ever be good enough. If you’re like most men, you seek peace of mind in a partner—but her dad will give you a piece of his every time you visit, or god forbid, they do. It’s hard to feel like a man around Rand because she will always offer to pick up the tab at the very fancy restaurant she suggested and then chose.

She’s cool to date while in college (sugar mama), but you will never get her because the truth is, you’re broke as hell because it took you seven years to get a bachelor’s in linguistics. Remember: she likes you for your potential not for who you are and she’ll end up marrying her dad’s attorney or a Harvard-trained Radiologist finishing his residency.

Dream Job: Donating money to charities.
Buzz words: “Latte,” “BEBE,” and “Gourmet”
Favorite Movie: a toss up between “Mary Antoinette” and “Legally Blonde”

Demo

4. Nawal: Dad Is on the Government Shortlist
Nawal comes from a Muslim family where her father has great ties with various segments of the local chapter of the ummah. He takes the lead and organizes the community, which is all fine and dandy until he decides to raise money for Muslim causes. The card he carries ain’t exactly a Costco card, so this is a risky business.

The father has done no wrong, or harm but that won’t spare him from the zealot guys at the Treasury Department. Nawal is not as committed but is the acorn that’s not too far from the tree. And this tree has a beard: it’s not the guitar-playing coffee shop hippy kind either. Nawal is very very very innocent: the first and last guy she saw naked was a “Ken” doll until the family stoned it. Odds are she has caller ID that screens out private phone numbers. If you decide to do this, make sure you don’t have any outstanding or unpaid taxes, parking tickets, or apply for jobs that require a rigorous background check.

To her credit, Nawal has perhaps the best personality among all girls listed here in addition to be all you can be attitude. As a result of those two factors, Nawal has more than 500 friends on Facebook.

Dream Job: starting a civil rights organization or writing a halal romance novel about a couple who met online.
Buzz words: “Irhab,” “Fundraiser,” and “Daniel Pipes”
Favorite Movie: “Traitor”

Demo

5. Bake-a-ton Hanna
As a little girl, Hanna used to spend her time in the kitchen with her mom baking and cooking. The only think she remembered was when her mom said: “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach!” Hanna focuses more on getting a live man’s heart than on actually cooking decently. And her mom’s advice is wrong: their stomachs are the fastest route to men’s hearts only when they’re munching on chicken wings at Hooters. Hanna thinks however that to get men, she has to cook so she organizes constant dinners.

She showers male targets with food, and especially loves to brag about her baking. Please Hanna, don’t bake me any cookies or pies, because to be honest with you, the ones at McDonald’s are good enough for me and I only have to pay $1 for those goodies. Dealing with you is much more expensive. Please don’t think about hooking it up with some baklava either: the nuts add a number of ornaments to my face. That will m

One wonders if that is her strategy. Usually baking is compensating for something: usually it’s a lack of culinary skills or average looks.

Dream Job: Teaching elementary school.
Buzz words: “Non-stick,” “preheat,” and “measuring cups”
Favorite Move: “Brown Sugar” and “No Reservation”

Demo

6. “Fly Me To Mecca” Afaf

Otherwise known as the wireless handshake and the queen of the Wi-Fi hugs, Afaf will look at your feet when talking. She was raised by a minimum wage, single-parent family with minimum political tendencies. For whatever transformational reason, she decided to become all religious. All of sudden she is getting spiritual and making you feel bad for bad things you used to enjoy together. She became less fun and more into other things beyond this world, the doom-and-gloom that makes you want to keep your contact virtual.

This religious attribute allows the other females to sympathize with her and not to be intimidated by her in the least — she is immune from cattiness. I think that women can never go wrong with the amount of skin they show, but we both know that there are ugly people who need to cover up; she is not one of them. Hence, she is all covered up. And she is the poster child for why angry people get more attention than the positive ones. The death of a family member, failure to pass an exam, or a botched relationship can drive a woman to spirituality.

That’s fine as long as this transformation doesn’t happen when you’re around and having some great times. So, if your lady gets testy if your eyes don’t remain perfectly straight when a looker passes by, bail out quick. Afaf’s transformational faith is similar to “Transformational Diplomacy,” in which a stable country is transformed into a failed state soaked in blood, death and tragedy, but in this case the subject of the transformation is men. Despite the fact that Arabs know about discrimination, Afaf knows discrimination from both ways. A prominent trademark is to have a picture of toddler or some sort of funny cartoon or flag on her Facebook profile.

Dream Job: Hajj tour guide
Buzz words: “The Prophet,” “Spirituality,” and “Halal”
Favorite Movie: “The Message”

Demo

7. Azeeza the Hijabougie
If you’re unlucky and have fallen in love with Azeeza, you can get her to like the things you like. The difference between Afaf and Zuzu is a technical one; the former is both religious and spiritual, the latter is socially religious and vaguely spiritual, and dresses to kill, always. As a start, Azeeza has loved fashion since she was a little girl and her favorite show is America’s Next Top Model. She hails from Dearborn, Chicago, or Brooklyn (Albany, post-9/11).

She is a first generation American and has a graduate-level degree from a college that isn’t known more than 40 miles away from her home. She is ambitious and a go-getter, she never accepts the status quo, even with her strict dress code and she’s hot! And a little head cover’s not going to hide that or her curves or her high fashion label. She dresses better than Hamid Karzai and walks around like a model on a runway. Azeeza is hoping that her fashion will compensate for all her modesty in dress.

She only wears the best. If you ask her to name what brands she likes, she’ll sound like she’s ordering food at an Italian restaurant. As a guy, I am confused by how to approach the Hijabougie types. I can never muster the courage to compliment her looks without coming cross as a schmuck who doesn’t give privacy to those who clearly ask for it. We are all biased and judge this group in different standard, and that’s the problem of dating or “hanging out” with Zuzu.

It remains unclear what cultural frame of reference we should use, but again they don’t date or at least don’t call it dating, but you will be amazed to learn that they get more dates in a week than you get in Ramadan. The Hijabougie’s musical tastes are so narrow that they can only accommodate Usher, Justin Timberlake and a hint of John Legend.

Dream Job: Beauty Consultant at Mary Kay Cosmetics
Buzz words: “Gucci,” “Modest,” and “Feminism”
Favorite Movie: “Kingdom of Heaven”

Demo

8. Hala: Your Mom’s Lobbyist
A graduate of the “Get it done Academy,” you need this girl like a Saudi needs a heater in July. Her IQ is a bit on the lower scale, but only because she sped through the waste-of-time test. She has her entire life planned out for her, until she realizes that the little thing called the biological clock is ticking. She hangs out with your mom, shops at her favorite store, pretends to like the things your mom likes, including teasing the little ones she sees running in the mall. She knows that you are such a mama’s boy and can never say no to your mom, but she also knows that you’re not going to marry her on your own.

She thinks she is a character in “Sex in the City,: even though she’s a virgin. Some may argue that the mom lobbyist is too good to be with anyone, but she doesn’t feel that way. She’s dying to get married. Be cautious, she may kill too. If you don’t end up marrying her, then she’ll transform herself into a Green Card Generator by marrying most of the kids in her village in the old country. Her size varies from either slightly obese to mildly chunky, but she’s never in between.

More often she’s fluent in Arabic and makes the pilgrimage back home at least once a summer—where she brings back all those spices that your mother uses to make Miskhan plus gifts for everyone she knows. Hala likes the sporty look and anything that make her look younger—a mechanism woman developed to respond to men’s obsession with youth. Speaking of which, you cannot guess her age and you would be dumb to risk it (if you must, go low).

Dream Job: Housewife
Buzz words: “Pants,” “Commitment,” and “Naseeb”
Favorite Movie; “How to lose a guy in 10 days”

Demo

9. Children factory Jinan
We all love kids — until we have them and they start crying all the damn time. Jinan loves them too, and she wants to out breed Palestinian rabbits. Born to give birth and to be a mother, she does not want much beyond that. When she wanted you, it is because you would be a good father and maybe fix things around the house. You’re her sperm-producing appliance and that’s all (sounds better than it is). She only wants your tahini in her hummus so she can have a baby to take pictures of in 9 months.

Since Jinan didn’t manage to enjoy the beautiful things in life, she wants to overpopulate the world and usher its demise. That’s where you—the man comes into the picture. I mean, she could try artificial insemination, but OctoMom Nadia Sulaiman had to go and ruin it for everybody. Jinan is easy to spot: her sizing up every man she sees gives it away. You will catch her staring at your face for a long time, thinking this to herself “Will babies with that face look cute?” Obviously, you feel sexified thinking that she thinks you are cute so you muster the courage and go talk to her hot friend.

Jinan’s initial rise to motherhood from one baby shower to the next can only be described as evil genius. Jinan is never more than three steps from a jar of Hershey’s kisses, an essential part of her diet. The moment she signs, seals and delivers two of your babies she will realize how big of a loser you are and dump your ass. Alimony is the name of the game; “Divorced” will soon be your status on Facebook. It’s obvious that Jinan’s destiny has “Homemaker” written all over it. As all mothers say: raising children is a full-time job.

But since she has many people in her life, she has too many social events to attend; I’d like to see Jinan work at a Hallmark, where she can write creative and fun greeting cards. Jinan is the kind of person that has her picture as a toddler on her Facebook profile in addition to having fifty pictures of her brothers’ new born babies who all look like little sea monkeys.

Buzz words: “Cute,” “Diapers,” and “Babysitting”
Favorite Movie: “Cheaper by the Dozen”

Demo

10. French Connection Nadia
Speaking a foreign language is a wonderful thing, but her wishing she was born French makes me want to throw up. Arab girls coming from part of the greater Arab Maghreb, Lebanon, and Syria are so in love with the language they French kiss the air when they speak. Yes, French sounds sexy, but she butchers it when she tries to out-French the French.

Get over it, you know the French will most likely reject you if you decided to make France your home because you will never be French enough—Asshole enough, that is. You could score fifty goals to get them four world cups in a row and they’ll still despise you. You can make the best croissant in the world and they’ll still think you’re a barbarian. Ask the millions of second and third generation immigrants in the pockets of France and see what they tell you.

The most frustrating thing about Nadia is that her mom’s grape leaves are the best, yet she drags you to local French bakeries where they serve a piece of toast, a sliced tomato and a cracked egg for the price of what it takes to build a hospital in Darfur. Here is what it all boils down to: some Americans don’t take kindly towards Arabs, but we both sure as hell don’t like the French! (Oh, don’t you worry the French will not run out of people to be hated by). I don’t mind seeing this girl at the Trader Joe’s wine aisle even if she whines about the selecion, but date her — no way Pepe.

Dream Job: Francophile
Buzz Words: “Merci,” “Comme ci comme ca” and “Crepes”
Favorite Movie: Any French film, especially the ones that make no freaking sense (most of them).

Demo

11. Rehab-inducing Rihab
As a young woman, she grew up with many brothers at home who really liked her and treated her like a buddy. Her brothers were major league screw ups who had too many fumbles in life—including failed relationships. Rihab was there to save her brothers and make them feel good, a much-needed boost of sorts. Her brothers (the losers) seemed to appreciate that about her.

But in the process, she became the therapist for everyone else. Like most therapists, she became a little crazy herself. Now, she wants to reform some lives and you’re her next project, whether you need it or not. Rabab never shops for a man; she hunts for clients. She calls you when you’re on the rebound getting over a bitter relationship, when you get fired, or your team loses in the first round of the playoffs. On appearance, she is a reincarnation of your caring mother figure, but in sexier shoes.

However, Rihab needs your problems so she can feel secure. Denying her help will set her off. And, if she does help and you no longer need her help, she will get pissed and accuse you of shutting her out. One date with Rihab and you will know how a hell sandwich must taste like. Tip: invent problems to keep her busy and consider charging her for her services.

Dream job: High school counselor
Buzz Words: “Turnaround,” “Oprah,” and “Upgrade”
Favorite movie: “Sweet November”

Demo

12. Bipolar Mai
Sometimes a man’s judgment can be clouded, but not when it comes to not dating Mai. Bipolar Mai is the one reason I fear walking behind girls at night. First, they have one eye on me and the other on her pepper spray bottle. The other is that if one farts, my naive world will be shattered.

Mai is one tough nut to crack: bipolar Mai is sweet and passionate until she switches personalities without warning, and then starts cracking your nuts. Bipolar Mai can go from warm and cuddily to pissed off and lethal at the drop of an F-bomb. There is nothing you can do to stop her from unleashing her inner-Godzilla. Men use the “Cranberry Juice” time of the month excuse to understand this bipolar behavior.

But this is not entirely accurate, because this happens five times a month—in a good month. So you know you are in for a ride and not the ride you fancy. Most females and living creatures are intimidated by Mai. If you decide to date Mai, make sure there are no sharp objects in sight and avoid seeing her on nights with a full moon. She usually comes accompanied by a user-friendly manual—ask her mom or ex for that one. Mai is not the type that forgives and forgets, so mind what you say. Unless you don’t like the way your nose fits on your face, give her an honest answer when she asks: “How do I look?”

Mai enjoys reading religious texts and books about serial killers. She plays the “I’m so sorry” card extremely well, publicly apologizing for her unwarranted mood swings and especially after kicking your ass in front of your friends. Due to the emotional instability, our girl has been on more dates that the number of times Warren Jeffs has been married. The upside of this relationship is that her parents will always love you and appreciate what you are going through—they will always be on your side.

For Bipolar Mai, a career is hard to secure, unless she can claim some sort of
disability and thus protect herself from being fired. Hey! Hollywood is now hiring; they need people who can play conflicted characters. If all else fails in bringing Mai to peace, I recommend a restraining order.

Buzz words: “Rage,” “Peace,” and “Rollercoaster”
Favorite Movie: “Batman Begins”

Demo

13. Laila: The African Dance Instructor
Being an Arab in America often makes one feel eccentric, but being an Arab who is an African dance instructor is just flat out insane. She usually has no siblings, which makes her a natural loner and that’s how the rest of her life will go. Catch phrase: “Yoga is for Lesbians” and she usually has a lifetime supply of fair trade Rwandan coffee.

She also volunteers to every one willing to hear how she voted for President Obama not because of his African heritage, but because of his “positive energy.” You seem to enjoy each other’s company, and you’re glad you spend so much time together until she starts talking about her African dance class. And you’re not sure why. Dating this woman will quickly drive you to your inevitable death. The doctors will tell your loved ones your stroke was caused by too many WTF moments.

Laila can’t make a decision, not even if her own life depended on it, because it’s hard to say if she is going forwards, backwards or shaking her junk for the fun of it. She used to be in salsa class until she realized it was her and all white people. She mastered it in a few classes anyways. And her belly dance class didn’t last long. She was teaching “Mariam”, the instructor, new moves the first day. So she’s stubborn and sexy, and will dance with other dudes at tha club because you learned how to dance from your uncles at weddings.

Moving side-to-side and clapping off-beat is not dancing. Here is what went wrong, her parents lead her to believe that they would love her unconditionally even if she wasn’t the same religion as them. So she took the opportunity to flirt with other gods. One thing led to the next, and now she is a yoga master out to save the environment while worshiping trees and witches. Her SUV is stockpiled with books about kabbalah, buddhism, and something about kama sutra. She was a goofy sufi for a while, which was okay, but know she praises gods when she sees you.

Eventually losing faith in men and explore the forbidden love of the female-on-female. While I would love to witness it, I would never date her, before, during or after her any of her conversions.

Dream job: Head Choreographer for the World Cup 2010 in South Africa, but in order to be able to do that, she starts doing photography portraits.
Buzz Words: “Obama,” “Aid,” ,“Racist” “Sacrifice,” “Get Along,” and “Vulnerable”
Favorite Movie: “The Gods Must be Crazy”

Demo

Bonus Characters, Limited Edition, but real threats

Lena, the Ghetto Drunk.
When you fight with Lena, make sure she has not been drinking or she will cut you. Sure, she was raised in the suburbs, but her command of ebonics and stocky figure give her mad street cred. She will end your life, you always think. In high school, she actually knocked a girl out.

And at the club, she’s the first to get into one of those scratching, hair-pulling catfights, even when she’s in high heels. She loved to box her brothers, and used to box her parents. So she thinks love =hitting. Add the liquor she loves into it, and you’re asking for a trouble cocktail. Lena always brings two shoes along for the ride. The first one offers comfort to use as she walks around and dances. The second one offers looks and sizzle and since both are important Lena is always packing.

Dream job: Bouncer
Buzz Words: “You’re my bitch” “Unghhh” “Screwdriver”
Favorite Movie: “Million Dollar Baby”

Norma: Geeky Going on Crazy
Her iPhone might be attacked to her hand. She e-mails you back faster than rednecks in Wal-Mart racing towards Christmas deals. We all love smart women who know their stuff, and I think it is sexy. What’s unsexy is someone who constantly go out of their way to make you feel a worthless ignorant cave man. Meet Norma, she owns a Mac computer, while other kids were watching cartoons she was fixing the garage door after she borrowed some pieces to build a model airplane.

She designed her girl scout troop’s website. She has seen every movie ever been made, she has read the books as well, and she makes sure to let you know that “the book was way much better” and pulls out her Kindle to show you. For good reasons, Norma does not have many girlfriends because she does not really care about fashion, so most her friends are males who either come from India or Korea. She only loves gadgets. She spends all her money on them.

Norma is a good person to have in your life for when the bug you downloaded along with the porn forces your computer to crash. Keep her as tech support only. You will always be reminded how dumb or what a technological laggard you are. Make friends with Norma, but do not ever trust her taste in music or cuisine even if the online ratings she shows you on her laptop-phone were great.

Dream job: A movie adviser for the “Star Trek” Movie franchise.
Buzz Words: “Time Machine,” “Nerd,” and “Wired”
Favorite Movie: “Back to the Future”

Demo

Mimi, the American Dreamy

This woman on this category is a bright that has an established career or has made a career of her PhD in some coastal Liberal college. As a young professional as she likes to call herself, she managed to excel in her school and get a job right out of college because of her solid resume and undisputable qualifications.

Qualifications are one thing and getting grandma to “zip it” when marriage talk comes around is another thing. She has a skinny figure because of her personal trainer. A fun week night is brought to her by Netflix, a newly released latest romantic comedy with Huge Grant or documentary about animal having wild sex. As a first generation, everyone in the family can take pride in her achievements, until that irritating mid-aged relative who likes to remind everybody that Mimi is single.

Mimi does have a shell to scare most guys from dating her and she has great training on how to handle older Arab men’s disguised marriage proposals. Eventually, she will realize that she feels the need to start her own family, as rumors on her sexuality start to wear her down. The challenge however is faced by most career women; her career and academic accomplishments are too great to be put in the shelf. On the other hand, as an Arab she knows well that nosey relatives will never let her of the hook until she pops a baby or two and name them after their grandparents.

The thing about Mimi all her resistance to male’s foiled attempted to win her heart makes her unsure about what she really wants in a man and can give any potential sugar daddy a headache. Divorce in her first relationship is likely; however whoever hooks up with Mimi the divorcee is a winner as she improved on her relationship credentials. Mimi feels compelled to act like a Saint at home and like a college kid at a Spring Break around her friends.

But that does not explain her thin dating resume, thinner than Moby’s hair. But all those liabilities might not scare you; she does have a rather large saving account as she needs not to worry about college loans, since daddy and Mommy paid for her education. The best way to meet this lady is to look her up on ArabLounge.com or any of the other dating services. She is a sucker for Italian cuisine, and good on her own on making all the Arabic appetizers. In her family she is known to be the one telling Falahi Jokes..

Dream Job: University Professor
Buzz words: “Condo,” “Microwavable,” “Soul Mate,” and “Benefits”
Favorite Movie: “G.I. Jane”, “North Country”

Amal: the Stalker Magnet
Most girls like to talk with passion about things they like. For Amal, bringing up their stalkers is apparently one of them. It’s all they seem to talk about. The stories are all the same: some random dude who stalks them wherever they go finally warns them he cannot live without them. It is true that some of our people back in the old country still consider stalking romantic. While stalkers are creepy and frightening, stories about them just get annoying.

First, stalkers do not make you look like you’re in demand. Granted, there are crazy men out there who do stupid and scary things, but I personally don’t enjoy hearing about them—especially from you. I can’t help but wonder when this guy will show up next, because I really don’t want to be around. But on the other hand, meeting this guy will get my man juice going so I can beat him up. Of course you will get mad and stop me because if I did, you might have to wait a while until a new stalker gives you more to talk about.

Amal is not secure, which is why she tells these tales of obsession. How to spot Amal: her profile on Facebook lists her relationship status as “Complicated.” Fun Fact: Amal means hope, which the stalkers take as a sign she likes them.

Dream Job: Writing for People Magazine.
Buzz words: “Wacko,” “Nut Job,” “Police,” and “Caller ID”
Favorite Movie: “Enough”

Demo

YMCA Bound Nada
Dating a girl that knows her sport teams is a plus and being with someone who has an NCAA tournament bracket during March Madness is divine — except that her’s wins the pool. Plus, any person who can block your basketball shot is a threat, and it’s something more than a threat if that person is a female. I don’t care how cool and progressive or how stupid and backward you really are…it doesn’t matter. If she can block your shot, that means she is most likely taller or more athletic than you are, end of story.

So unless you are planning to give the world the next Shaquille O’Neil, this is not the one to mate with. Nada likes the outdoors and that where you should keep her. You know the second or third question your mom will ask is: “How tall is she?” In short, height matters. Unless you are high or Nordic I don’t think you should mess with Jolly Green Nada.

People don’t notice your date’s degree or faith, but they surely know an awkward couple when they see one. Also, be advised that Nada has brothers who are taller than you and can kick the hell out of you as need be. Nada in Spanish means nothing and that’s how you’ll feel your worth on the basketball court when she shows up—just remember: keep your self-esteem intact.

Dream Job: ESPN Sport Commentator.
Buzz words: “Trash Talk,” “Hoops,” “You Just Got Owned,” and “Who’s you Mama?”
Favorite Film: “Stick it”

Demo

Mona: The Angelina Jolie Hater
Gentlemen, we have been predisposed to fall in love with Angelina; we are helpless against it. For whatever reason, men think that Angelina Julie is the perfect woman. She has more kids than an average Palestinian woman, she’s attractive, she’s progressive, and she occasionally blows things up on screen (Arabs can relate). Whenever there’s a war, the UN sends her to clean up: she’s been to Lebanon, the Sudan and Gaza, and she’s not in Israeli intelligence.

She has more money than your entire tribe and of course, there are those gorgeous lips. Hating on Angelina is a phenomenon linked to the unofficial rule of women; hate is only saved for the likes of Angelina Jolie and Adriana Lima. They also have to claim that all their friends are cute, even if they’re not in the same galaxy of good looks. Beauty for them is entirely subjective, and they have no shame in shamelessly hating this goddess.

The last thing you need is a woman that wants to take all these things away from you and speak ill of the woman we love. Odds are she’s jealous or simply a trash talker, and you can’t afford to have either one. If the right to enjoy Angelina Jolie movies without being judged or labeled as a pervert were in international law, Mona would be like Israel. To her credit, Mona is accomplished at working jobs that men traditionally monopolized: Accounting, Finance and Engineering. She wishes that for once, men would value her math skills as much as we drool for Jolie—forget it girl, it’s not gonna happen.

Dream Job: MBA Executive who can stick it to men and tell them grow up.
Buzz words: “Overrated,” “Obsession,” and “Bimbo”
Favorite Show: “Ugly Betty” and “Catch Me If You Can”

Demo

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13 Arab Men You Should Never Date

By Hanitizer

This list is the complete guide to the 13 types of Arab men. Obviously, there are more than 13 types of Arab men, and those are the ones that you ought to find (please read my post 7 Arab guys you should marry). This post is not meant to cock block anyone, but to help their prey navigate the field. Its like a manual for every woman or gay man in a major metropolitan area. You will get hit on by Arab men. Yes, there is a list of 13 Arab Women Not to date) In general all men are created equally. Arabs, Asians, Blacks, Whites, and Hispanic are all the same straight or gay. They just want to get some with as little commitment as possible and won’t let their dignity interfere. Please let us know who is on your list, here is ours’.

Updated Bonus: Amir, the Secret Arab Queer [below]

1. Gold Chain George
This person is most likely to be Mr. Macho on steroids; hairy as hell and sweet as Georgia tea. He works out a lot, but never does cardio; the beer belly is a trademark, but the upper body strength enables unlimited shisha-hogging. He does own his own place, but it is only three blocks from his parents’. He does have few female friends, but a lot more male friends and dudes who like to play tarneeb or poker with while sipping the latest energy drink fad.

George does not know what he really wants in a woman and thus he will never be at peace with himself or whoever he dates. Most likely, he will end up getting married to a girl from his village whose mom met him at the local Arabic church at an event where mensef, lamb and rice, was served. There are pluses, George knows a lot more about Baseball and Football than he knows about political parties in Lebanon. Occasionally he shoots hoops with his buddies when they realize that they no longer can use his place since his mom is doing his laundry there. He is not to be confused with Detroit Sam since George owns a sporty car and enjoys lesser education. Trademark phrase: begins every sentence with “my cousin…”. His dream job: is to buy another gas station.
Demo

2. Broblem (sic) Hassan
Broblem Hassan is a nice guy. He cannot speak English well enough, and your parents will definitely not help themselves but poke fun of how he pronounces words. You met him at college in one of your GE classes where he helped tutor you. It takes a holy war to make sense of what he is trying to communicate.

As a FOB/Boater, he is all eager to experience new things and point out the difference between how things are at home and how American does things. Hassan does not fully understand American taboos such as speaking ill of the Jewish people, blacks and Asians.

Hassan comes from a large family where he learned hard work and good values, such as getting married ASAP. He will marry you in a heartbeat — especially if you are blonde. Once he gets his papers in order he will invite his family to stay with you. He will never leave you, like walk out on you, but he is needy and constantly complains that he does not have many friends, plus he acts funny when he sees black GM cars with tinted windows. You will always find him at the Western Union where he is sending money to someone at home. Trademark phrase: begins every sentence with “Back home…”. His dream job: engineer.

This brings us to Hassan’s cousin, Ahmad; an older man who has passed his mid thirties and has been married at least twice and divorced just as many. Now that he is in America he remembers as a kid someone told him that all women in America are whores, he still cannot get that out of his mind. Thus he acts like the trash he is.
Demo

3. Ali the Activist Dynamo
Ali is my Sahibi. Ali the activist can hail from any part of the world. Ali is a kinder spirit, nice and a good hearted, but not if you disagree with him. Ali will be a different person if he was speaking to a Neo-Con, who will he will frequently call “man”. Ali can be found in any public demonstration speaking to the crowd like Abdel Nasser Jr.

The anti-war rallies call on him, the labor unions have him on speed dial, the greens are on first name basis with him, and the vegetarians like his Hummus (not a code word, I promise). Usually scruffy, eloquent and leadership oriented, taking charge wherever he goes and has a wonderful assortment of slogan T-shirts.

The problem with Ali is that he knows too many people including girls, so it’s hard to keep up with the female encounters he had. Some accuse him of being a “Macktivist,” but he can’t help it if he is there to please the Arab activist fetish. Another downside to this guy is he might actually not want to live in the United States, but would rather live somewhere in the Middle East or Cuba. He eventually cleans up his act and goes to law school because obviously business school is his great Satan. He acts as if he is the spokesperson of more than a billion people who would really resent his ideas and the way he parties.
Demo

4. Wael the Saint
Wael the saint comes from a good family where his siblings adore him; he can be of any religion, but one thing for sure, he is a believer. He does not miss church on Sunday or a Mosque on Friday. He may not live with his parents, but he does keep in touch with them on daily basis. His priest/imam likes him because he is always volunteering at the events and helping with young men.

He will probably meet his wife at church or the local mosque function. Career of choice either accounting or engineering, both are solid careers in terms of a stable income. Sounds good so far? Odds if you like Wael, you will have to convert your religion to his. Sure he is a nice and a health person who can provide, but do you really want to toss everything you believed out of the window?

Are you up to being denied your fair share from your parents’ will? Also are you ready to deal with a pissed off mother-in-law who thinks you are stealing her son? Also Wael might be unable to deal with those who challenge him whether on his faith or his views. He’s had a crazy temper for a while. Another possible challenge is his lack of creativity in the bedroom where he prefers to skip the foreplay, just like they do in the porn he is addicted to.

Wael is not much of a cocktail person, but he would rather spend his time at the local Chucky Cheese—it’s this one or another church event.
Demo

5. Detroit Sam: Man of Steel
Otherwise known as the Wallah Bro, a first generation Arab American usually hails from Dearborn, Chicago, Patterson, or Tampa. He is American in terms of the large girth, love of hoops (hell he even might have played high school football) and mistrust of other minorities.

If he goes to school then he is definitely best suited for pharmacy school or business. He probably at some point of his life owned a Subway franchise or a Dunkin Donuts—gas station business. He dates a lot of girls and he dates everybody equally and simultaneously.

He had an Asian and a black girlfriend and probably an illegal immigrant friend — who’s not his cousin, because that is who he will marry. But in his mom’s book he is as virgin as that olive oil she likes. Wearing shorts is one of his trademarks, and acting like a boy trapped in man body is another one. He spend days discussing pot, hoodies, and television shows from the 80s.

Sex would be satisfying since his parents have a don’t ask don’t tell policy, even though the uncles his age know what’s up. He has an affinity for rap music, fast cars, bling, and his mama’s cooking and cleaning in their lush suburban houses. This group take pride in the most obscure items, such as “did you know that Arabs invented tea, coffee and beer?” The person listening is as interested as they would be if they were Mormon. Trademark phrases (in ebonics), “Don’t cheat me, bro.” Dream job: NFL Wide Receiver.
Demo

6. Tony the Doc
I love doctors; I work with them all the time and enjoy it. Caring, comforting and assured are the trademarks of Tony the Doc. His community loves him, especially at fundraisers and weddings. By the time a doctor is ready to get married he is probably passed his 30s and is now balding. Sure he makes good money, and has a good lifestyle, but happiness is meant to be shared and this guy is a guaranteed stiff.

That’s hard to do that when you have a pager on you 24/7. Also it depends what kind of medicine that he is into, because it affects the kind of germs and infections he can bring home with—a plastic surgeon will bring home a pair of large boobs.

Also do you have what kind of crazy people walk into his clinic exposing themselves to him in private and pouring the most intimate of details about themselves…that does not bother you? Sure that nice car and summer home are wonderful. Tony will end up with a not beautiful, a not cute, but rather “hot” wife who secretly hates him but can’t afford to say it. Her reason for the resentment is the tone doctors get when they act as the authority on every single issue. Trademark phrase: “I’m a doctor.” Dream job: their’s.
Demo

7. Saleh the Gulf Pride

This guy is the most fun among the entire group, care free, unlimited money supply and always up for a good times. Plus everyone thinks he’s gay and in denial. He drives a convertible, and valet parks it wherever he goes. Major restaurants know him by first name and the club bouncers are his brothers in arms where they know which VIP table to book for him. He will take you out to the finest restaurants, and pay generously.

Other than the occasional sexist remarks and bizarre awkward comments, the guy will never marry you. If you believe for one second that he will marry you then you are too stupid to marry. Saleh will ask you to move in with him. He will never tell his family of course, which means at some random point he will ask you to move out—he will book you a hotel because his dad is dropping by to check on his son in America. You probably met Saleh at a university in Arizona, Texas or even George Washington.

He will ask to take the same classes you are taking so that he does not have to worry about doing his homework after all the fine food is not going to eat itself. His denial of your existence will eventually irritates you and the first time he asks to try new sex tricks with you, you will be asking for calling a cab riding it home alone. A few months later, you might be broke, exhausted, surprised by your sudden misery; he offers to hook it up again.

To his credit, the guy is the most sexually adventurous type, he is so good that he does not need the help of liquor to do the trick. Trademark phrase: “izzzz on me.” Dream job: “Gulf prince” (already has it).
Demo

8. Mazin, Smokey the Palestinian
This guy will seduce you with his dramatic stories and the tough times he had to live with back in the old country or whatever refugee camp he came from. He is a hard working man, he had to work during college to pay for his books and rent, and support his family back home.

You probably met him outside a bar or a lounge where he was smoking a cigarette and offered you one. But you might have also initiated talking to him by asking him if spoke Arabic since you are in Arabic 101. Usually with the exception of sleazy older Palestinian men, this guy rarely pursues you. But rather keeps running into you, he is the slickest among those categories: never too eager to be with you. His mystery is his allure, and he offers white chicks the chance of Arab romance and slumming in one.

Plus he charms your cornbread parents at Thanksgiving dinner. They even listen to his diatribe against Zionism! Unlike Saleh, Mazin would not deny your existence but he would not marry your white ass either unless he really really needs the papers, which he usually does. Without much to offer and shady legal status, you offer to marry him.

And since you like to reform troubled men, this is a beneficiary arrangement. You’ll have fun, but as soon as you get your PhD, it is a different game and you have a job offer from Berkeley. Mazin is not going to carry your bag when you browse stores at the mall, but he will gladly accompany you to Victoria Secret. He is always reading the news on the net and watching CNN to see what the hell is going on back home. Trademark phrase: “the Zionist entity.” Dream job: “George Habash.”
Demo

9. Flamboyant Mustafa
This is one good looking Arab kid who grew up in a house with plenty of females and no brothers. He dresses nice and can be identified by wearing tight clothes that fit properly. You may run into him at the local Express store or the Banana Republic. He is hairy, but plucks his eyebrows as often as Brittney Spears opens her mouth and say something stupid.

His drink of choice is Cosmopolitan and he enjoys Sex and the City parties. He is metrosexual. Mustafa is handsome, but does not have what most men have the desire to be competitive and assertive. He likes girls, but you would have to see it to believe it. He is usually more into himself.

All other guys hate him because he gets a lot of lady attention but his lack of action may anger some bros, who always tell him, “man, if I looked like you…” Flamboyant Mustafa does not like to help other guys get in with his girlfriends, but he would help his girlfriends get in with other guys. Stay away from this guy, you may want someone who cares about how he looks, but not more than he cares about you. You want a guy who would fight to get what he wants, not just a guy who would write a poem or listen to the latest Kazim Al Sahir song.

You do not want a guy to like the stuff you like to do with your girlfriends that make them uncomfortable, you just want him to go away sometimes—maybe to the Home Depot to pick up a new door knob. Trademark phrase: “do you have this shirt in extra small?”. Dream job: “male model.”
Demo

10. Unibrow Rami
The Unibrower is Darwin’s best friend, living proof that men descend from hairy apes. Rami thinks his looks are fine, and his brow is hot, but then he complains that no one wants to talk to him. I wonder why? Did he ever hear of tweezers? Wax? Unibrow Rami is stubborn as hell and unwilling to call a brow a brow. If unibrow Rami has the revelation and gets the middle patch waxed, he often transforms into a flamboyant Mustafa. Trademark phrase: “look into my eyes.” dream job: “Terrorist #6 in Hollywood movie.”
Demo 1 Demo 2

11. The Self Hating Arab
Arabs come in all sizes and shapes, but this guy is definetly a big dick. Members of this group have an existential dilemma: they hate Arabs but love themselves. The war on terror was both scary for them and very profitable. It pays to sell out as some will tell you, and being an anti-Arab Arab is as good as dough. If you want to date this person remember one thing, if this individual has nothing good to say about his people, why would have nice things to say about you if a conflict arises?

The self-hating Arab is despised by his community and embraced by the same groups that want his extinction. They can be identified by how badly they anglicize their born name: Kamal becomes Kevin, for example. Also, they will claim to be ex-terrorists just to get speaking gigs. Remember quitters do not make it far in life, and this guy quit once before… he may just do it again.

Usually, he is a heavy drinker and sees the amount of alcohol consumed is proportional to his “critical assessment” of Islam and Arabs. The Self Hate Arabs is a likable personality for non Arabs because he makes them comfortable despite their bullshit politics. Women may be allured by his willingness to bend on every issue, but he’s a constant oppprtunist looking for the next big payoff. Trademark phrase, “I’m an Arab, not one of those Ay-rabs (he usually says about Detroit Sam).” Dream job: “Fox News analyst”.
Demo

12. The God Damn America Kid
This person is a FOB or an American-born Arab who seems like one. He saw the worst of America in the destruction of his native country, which usually means the Arab nation. So he has not been touched by American imperialism, but he is mad as hell and spares no chance in dumping on the U.S of A. Never mind that he came to America on a scholarship, never mind that he has a well-paying job as a campus advisor for international students.

He neglects that the officer who issued him his visa did so hoping that this person won’t do harm. Off course this kid won’t be doing any harm to America other than damaging your ears with weird theories and annoying guilt trips every now and then. He would not trade his life in America with anything of value he owns, and guess what was his first purchase? It was a powerful American engine car, which he drives to school listening to AC/DC and sipping on a large latte while talking on his blackberry to tell his mom how he is doing well. Really? Is that what you want to have to live with the rest of your life? Someone who cannot be grateful for a wonderful life, something who cannot see the big hypocrite he is? But thanks for the US. Constitution! Trademark phrase: “America is bullshit my friend”. Dream job: “Arab League Ambassador”
Demo

13. The Broke-Ass Arab
If your life goal is to avoid paying taxes, this guy is a keeper. He probably won a lawsuit against his rich neighbor, whose dog bit him in the baydot. Still, he blew it all on a bad business deal with his Detroit Sam cousin. He does not have a job, other than watching Aljazeera all day. He tells people he’s into import/export, meaning he sends American junk to his cousin to sell in Eastern Europe. He’s so broke, his family from back home sends him money. He sort of has an open house where his other loser friends drop by to waste their time talking about random things and eat sunflower seeds and pistachios. He always volunteer at various community events where he is convincing himself that he is working the field. He just runs from one dead-end money-making scheme to the next. His last job was doing insurance fraud scams in Florida. Though the risks ofebing with this guys is obvious, he’s the most loyal and will always find a way to provide. Trademark phrase: “You interested in any dvds, I got the latest movie.” Dream job: “convenience store owner.”
Demo

Bonus: Amir, the Secret Arab Queer
The Arab world is a conflicted place, full of all kinds of characters, including men who love to dress nicely, and take good care of their clothes by placing them in a nice closet. Incidentally, the closet is spacious, which makes it the perfect place to meet other gay Arab men.

Amir is as straight as the streets in Gaza after the Israeli attacks—or before, because frankly there is not much difference. Amir is not necessary good looking, but sure is well dressed. And his mom considers him her best friend—he was her lab rat when it came to makeup as a young boy. We can spend days talking about how Amir ended up gay, here are a few homophobic attempts (the author is a Wael the Saint).

He grew up in the Gulf and as a kid was molested by the Iranian bike shop owner. He might come from Egypt where the doorman on a lonely night put his hand on the wrong place. He could come from Lebanon where too many beautiful women made him want to become just like them. He could have grown in Palestine, where he used to watch Israeli Porn on Channel 69 along with his male friends and one thing led to another. Or simply he was born to be a flat-out gay man and we love him the way he is. He dates women though but they’re just a charade

Amir is the guy you want at your dance parties, his moves puts Beyoncé to shame. But he makes for a creepy hookah companion. As far as dating this guy, if you are a woman be advised it is not such a smart idea because you will never get him. What man who can hold a conversation actually be straight? Amir is Arabic for Prince, princess was his Halloween custom–the one day in the year he can be himself. Trademark phrase: “Haifa is such a sharmouta.” Dream job: “personal trainer for the stars.”
Demo

[Tarboush Tip: May, Will, Lyndsay, Iba, Don]

Also read Arab Girls Not to Date

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